New Beginnings.

Fresh page, fresh start, a new beginning. I want to have a new beginning. A beginning where I can accept and respect  all of me. All my achievements, all my flaws and all my madness. I want to reach place where I know the opinions of others about me, either positive or negative, does not bother me. Not because I am arrogant but because I finally made peace with myself and I understand my value. I am very well aware of my flaws and  I do acknowledge it but I fail to see other side of me. The amazing in me. I know I am awesome but I do not believe that I am awesome. But before we talk about loving ourselves, we need to understand why we learned to hate ourselves. The little of psychology I know, states that an individual is not born hating or loving anything.They are conditioned to hate things, people etc as they grow. 

I kind of know why I started hating myself at a young age. Since I was a younger kid I have not been blessed academically and failed to barely score average grades in school, this made people  think I was stupid. People often compared me to my siblings, my peers and told me that I am dumb and will not go anywhere in my life. This affected my self esteem for the longest time. But as I grew up I realised that the grades  that I got never defined my intelligence or me. Not bragging but as I spent more time with my own thoughts, I realised I am quite intelligent. But even though I discovered this about me, it was so hard to accept it. Whenever I make a little mistake I go hard on myself. I call myself names that I am not supposed to call anybody with.  I cannot help it, those voices that told me I was not worth it , echoes in my ears whenever I make a mistake. That is reason it has always been little difficult for me to take criticism. But these days I have slowly learned to take criticism  and work on me, without being hard on myself. 

The other major reason I learned to hate myself, was when I saw that I do not have a  long list of close friends. By this I mean like list of thousand people who are my 'Real Friends'. I always saw people with these big groups of friends and thought why don't I have this. I thought that I was someone who was incapable of receiving love. I thought my personality was so flawed that people did not want to be with me. I hated myself for not being part of those 'big' and 'cool' groups. This again had a toll on my self esteem. I hated myself for being so awkward and weird. But as I grew I started learning lessons on relationships, these lessons are so important, not only for me but for everyone. It is always, always better to have 1 person in your life, who you can trust with your soul , rather that having infinity number of people who you cannot even trust with your body. I still fail to understand the depth of this lesson and still get upset when I see people with infinite number of friends, just because I think the quantity is better than quality. But I trust myself enough and my process of self acceptance that I know one day, I will totally understand the meaning and depth of all lessons I learned throughout my life. 

Now I would want to encourage people reading this blog, to do a small thing for themselves, accept themselves and understand themselves, better.

Thank You💓

-MJM.